WALL OF TEXT!!!
Here's my first problem
Today, I went to a movie with my friends. Of course it's not as simple as that, but I'm getting to the rest, so hang tight. Before the movie, we met up at the Taqueria Vallarta downtown. One of my friends, Grace (Who, by the way, I have a huge crush on), spotted me through the window and waved, I waved back. I felt perfectly fine as I walked in and sat down. I was just about to try and get in on the conversation, when my brain just kind of shut off. I just kind of sat there like a dog waiting for something. We moved to different tables to accommodate another two, Lindsay and Daniel, who had just arrived. Still I sat, piping up only one or two times with two word comments and to politely turn down the half a burrito Grace offered me. Her boyfriend Garrett (Doesn't seem to pay much attention to her, and later tried to grab her ass during the movie) began talking about his AP Physics class, and mentioned some of the video clips his class watched. I commented about the ones that I had seen, and we half-discussed them, with him doing most of the talking and myself only mentioning a couple of points. Okay, so there's some talking right there, right? Right, but seriously now, I was disappointed with myself. I hadn't contributed anything to the conversation but a few comments and interjections. As we walked down the street to the theater, I found myself tongue tied again and attempted to remedy it by commenting on the mural in the tunnel area outside the office buildings that were under construction. In my mind I failed in that endeavor. I disappointed myself with my sudden unsociability.
I can't stand being bored, but something I can stand much less is being boring. I like to amuse people, and I like to be fun and interesting to talk to. So far I'm not having much success doing this in actual, face-to-face conversation. This next point makes me feel like a shut-in: I'm much better at talking in an instant messaging conversation than I am in real life. I can be myself - insightful, reasonably well-spoken, humorous, silly, whimsical, friendly, whatever I feel like. In real life I too often get cagey, and sometimes feel like I'm coming off as a jerk to some people, when I really don't want to be a jerk to anyone. I find myself censoring my sentences, removing meaningful expression in a fearful attempt not to look stupid, but instead ending up perpetuating my own clammed-up attitude.
I will say that I'm making some encouraging progress, and I'm certainly better at interacting than I used to be, but it's these sudden lapses in personality that just bring me down.
On to another point, this girl, who I've basically fallen like a ton of bricks for, is in a relationship, and one in which she seems unhappy, though she hasn't talked about it and I'm not clear as to whether I'm right. I noticed at several points during the movie that her boyfriend apparently tried to put his hand on her ass. It looked like she kept subtly redirecting it elsewhere, and she didn't look too happy about it. I don't know if I was right in assuming this, and I don't know what to make of all of it - she seems like she's just being sort of passive. I feel like I ought to help her, but I don't know how, or if I even should. I talk to her on MSN almost daily, and often for hours. We work together on Not Pron in our spare time, and she is one of the easiest people to talk to I have ever met. At school she's always happy to see me, and we always get along great. I haven't let on that I love her, but I feel that if I don't do it sometime, she'll just slip away as time goes on. The problem is that I don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy by making her feel awkward.
Jesus christ this shit is confusing. And to think that as a kid I thought I wanted to be a bachelor-for-life by choice...
FUCKING HELP ALREADY
