Heathen: see
Heathen: I died on the red carpet
Heathen: because I was shot by some rappers
Heathen: and then I went to hell
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "where am I"
Heathen: and some guy was like
Heathen: "In hell"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "well where's satan"
Heathen: and he was slike
Heathen: "I am satan"
Heathen: And it confused me because he was like
Heathen: white
Heathen: and he was wearing a suit
Heathen: but he was cockeyed like a motherfucker
Heathen: anyways
Heathen: and he was telling me about the trials of hell and how shitty it was
Heathen: so I was like
Heathen: "so do I have to stay in hell?"
Heathen: he was like
Heathen: "well we gotta review your life"
Heathen: so I was like
Heathen: "well okay I guess"
Heathen: he was like
Heathen: "you were a pretty big asshole I see"
Heathen: an I was like" yeah :["
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "and you did burn a few orphans"
Heathen: and I was like ":[ yeah"
Heathen: but he was like
Heathen: "OH"
Heathen: "but you have over 5000 myspace friends"
Heathen: "and that's what counts"
Heathen: and I was like "Really?!?"
Heathen: and he was like "yah"
Heathen: so I went to heaven
Heathen: and I saw a dude
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "hey Travis"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "Who are you?"
Heathen: "Your saint peter aren't you?"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "What....NO!"
Heathen: "St. Peter is a big fat girl with downs syndrome"
Heathen: "Im Jesus man"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "oh yeah"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "I mean look at me"
Heathen:" I have the trademark beard and sandals"
Heathen: "and this robe"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "your right"
Heathen: "your clearly jesus"
Heathen: "I appologise"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "here"
Heathen: "come see"
Heathen: and I was like "okay"
Heathen: so he said
Heathen: "look down there"
Heathen: "so I looked down"
Heathen: and he said
Heathen: "here, between my sandals"
Heathen: so I looked
Heathen: and I saw something
Heathen: "is that the tip of-"
Heathen: "Yeah, that's the tip of my dick :]"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "HOLY CRAP"
Heathen: "Jesus, you have a 4 foot penis?"
Heathen: and hey was like "YEAH"
Heathen: "HELL YEAH"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: bragging abou it
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "well doesn't it hurt when you have sex?"
Heathen: And he was like "nah"
Heathen:" back when I used to have sex with women I used to just magically extend their uteris to about the throat area"
Heathen: "but that was tedious work"
Heathen: "but nowadays I don't have sex with many women"
Heathen: "I have sex with a creature of my own design"
Heathen: "like"
Heathen: ''did you ever see those discovery channed specials about how raptors used to have feathers?''
Heathen: ''well its sorta like that''
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: ''yeah''
Heathen: ''well''
Heathen: ''you don't need discovery channed''
Heathen: ''you saw the dinosaurs''
Heathen: and hey was like ''yeah''
Heathen: ''well not really''
Heathen: ''that was before I was born''
Heathen: and I was like ''riiight''
Heathen: and then I was like
Heathen: "what do your balls look like then?"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "well lemme just pull up my robe here"
Heathen: and then I saw them
Heathen: and srsly
Heathen: Jesus has clear balls
Heathen: with little goldfish swimming around in them
Heathen: and sand castles
Heathen: and a little diver man
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "HOLY SHIT JESUS"
Heathen: "your balls are amazing!"
Heathen: "and the fish, they're so cute!"
Heathen: and he was like "yeah"
Heathen: "I kinda thought...what would be awesome to have that no one else in the universe has"
Heathen: "goldfish balls"
Heathen: and then he was like "well, anyways...now we gotta see if you get to stay here in heaven"
Heathen: I was like "oh, furshur....so....what do I have to do?"
Heathen: He was like
Heathen: "just let me check your past"
Heathen: "Oh, well I see that you were a pretty big asshole."
Heathen: "and you did burn a bunch of orphans"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "yeah :["
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "aw, but its all good, it says here that you had over 5000 myspace friends"
Heathen: and I said
Heathen: "yeah, Satan said that too"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: "hold on"
Heathen: "you know who would love to hear this?"
Heathen: "my buddy lincon"
Heathen: "Hey, lincon, this guy has over 5000 myspace friends"
Heathen: and he says "really? did he use bots?"
Heathen: and jesus was like "No, its just fanbase"
Heathen: and lincon was like "oh...is he a porn star?"
Heathen: and jesus was like "what? no...its travis!"
Heathen: and lincon was like "WOAH, hey van Gogh!
Heathen: and van Gogh said "This guy has over 5000 myspace friends"
Heathen: and he says "really? did he use bots?"
Heathen: and Lincon was like " HAHA, I asked the same thing. No, its just fanbase"
Heathen: and he was like "Is he a porn star or something?"
Heathen: and lincon said "nah, its travis"
Heathen: and then Jesus was like "what, are you deaf? I just explained all this!"
Heathen: "was it you or Picasso that cut off your ear...I always get you two confused....idc"
Heathen: and then we heard an IC go off:
Heathen: "Jesus, a raptorbird here to see you"
Heathen: so jesus is like "Holy crap dude...shit!"
Heathen: and I'm like "what do we do jesus"
Heathen: and he was like "idk dude I have tried being honest and telling her that its just a sex thing..."
Heathen: "but this raptorbird is sooo into me"
Heathen: and I was like "Uh....okay...uh...I KNOW! Use your jesus powers!"
Heathen: and hw as like "YEAH...okay um....I got it. I'll swich places with you and enjoy a normal life on earth"
Heathen: "and you stay here and be jesus"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: stoked
Heathen: how many people get to be jesus
Heathen: so I was like
Heathen: "YEAH, lets do that!"
Heathen: so he snapped his fingers and all of a sudden I was him...
Heathen: I was like "YEAH, a beard!"
Heathen: and he was like "yeah....acne :/"
Heathen: and I was like
Heathen: "YEAH, BADASS SANDALS!"
Heathen: and he was like
Heathen: yeah....disgusting hobbit feet :/"
Heathen: and then I was like "so jesus...how do you get back to Earth?"
Heathen: so he kicks open a trap door and starts climbing a ladder down to earth and then
Heathen: the ladder stops too early
Heathen: so he falls and yells
Heathen: "OH CRAP, WHY DID WE NEVER FINISH THIS LADDER!!!
Heathen: and I'm like
Heathen: "OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO JESUS?"
Heathen: and he's like
Heathen: "USE YOUR NEW JESUS POWERS!"
Heathen: so I'm like "okay...uh...PARACHUTE!"
Heathen: "HERE JESUS, I CONJURED YOU UP A PARACHUTE AND I AM THROWING IT DOWN TO YOU!
Heathen: and he was like "NO, DONT YOU KNOW THAT NEWTONS LAWS SAY THAT TWO OBJECTS OF EQUAL OR UNEQUAL MASSES WILL ALWAYS FALL AT THE SAME SPEED!?!"
Heathen: and I was like "UH, JUST LOOK FOR THE PARACHUTE!
Heathen: and he was like " I CANT! THE FRICTION WITH THE ATMOSPHERE HAS MELTED MY EYEBALLS! I CANT SEE!!!"
Heathen: and I was like "OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO!"
Heathen: and he was like "OH GOD, MY BODY IS NOTHING BUT ASHES NOW AND I AM FALLING TO EARTH!
Heathen: And I was like "OH MY GOD MY BODY IS BURNED UP!"
Heathen: and he said "OH GOD! NOW I AM FALLING TO EARTH ONTO SOME MOUNTAINS AND I AM BEING COOLED BY THE SNOW! MY ASHES ARE BLENDING WITH THE SNOW...its so peaceful...
Heathen: and I said "oh wow...its so peaceful sounding"
Heathen: and then I hear him yelling "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Heathen: and I'm like "WHATS HAPPENING JESUS!?!"
Heathen: He says "SLEDDERS ARE SLEDDING THROUGH MY ASHES"
Heathen: "I'M BEING KILLED AGAIN!"
Heathen: "OH MY GOD AHHH!"
Heathen: and so I turned around and jesus was back in heaven in my body
Heathen: so he takes his body back
Heathen: and then I chill in heaven with
Heathen: Heath Ledger
Heathen: and Bernie Mac
Heathen: and George Carlin
Heathen: and uh
Heathen: Oprah
Ariel: dude
Ariel: what the fuck
Ariel: shut up
Originally Posted by Mass
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