Quotes Funny Random

[Donut]

i typed "hypoglycemia" into urban dictionary. this was the 3rd result:

3. Sodomy Street 54 up, 11 down
The "alternate lifestyle" children's television show. Did you ever wonder what those cute, adorable characters from Sesame Street are doing today? They're still on Sodomy Street.

Bert:
While always denying he ever had a gay relationship with his long time friend Ernie, the rumors of Bert's orientation boiled to a head after the 1998 season. After suffering years of controversy, rumor and speculation, Bert finally came out of the closet and left Sesame Street early in 1999. Two years of relative obscurity followed. An autobiography was said to be in the works. Bert gravitated first to London's trendy Soho district and was once observed near a seedy gay porn shop. Bert was photographed by the press at the 2000 Disneyland "Gay-Day" celebration. In July 2001, Bert was found bludgeoned to death in a porta-potty near San Francisco's Haight-Asbury district after allegedly soliciting sex from a nearby construction worker. His cremated remains are scheduled to be launched into outer space with the resumption of NASA's Space Shuttle service in 2005.

Elmo:
In an effort to control their son's hyperactivity, Elmo's parents instituted a high dosage regimen of Ridalyn in the fall of 2003 at the behest of his school teacher. An unfortunate drug interaction ensued which brought on severe seizures. The source of the mysterious drug interaction came to light only after extensive tests showed Elmo's sustained use of LSD while on the set on Sesame Street. The unfortunate hallucinogenic drug habit had gone unchecked for years despite ominous signs on the "Elmo's World" sequences such as a walking end table, talking window shade and psychadelic home furniture. After months of suffering in a nearly catatonic, comatose state, Elmo recovered sufficiently to be placed in a juvenile detox program early in 2004. Long term brain damage was manifest in several serious sexual assault incidents in the hospital's detox program, and Elmo has been institutionalized in an undisclosed location ever since. A PBS documentary segment featuring Elmo was recently canceled after mental health advocates protested a planned scene showing a heavily sedated Elmo in a straight jacket drooling uncontrollably, shouting "Mister Noodle" in a loud voice. Ebay recently rejected the efforts of Sesame Street producers to put Elmo's former house up for bids in an auction.

Cookie Monster:
The adorable blue over-eater was initially diagnosed with bulimia early in the 2001 season. This diagnosis masked underlying problems which became evident when Cookie lost 80% of his vision after severe hypoglycemia brought on glaucoma. This was all a direct result of Cookie's chronic over-indulgence in a heavily sugar laced diet. The vision loss was unfortunate as clear symptoms persisted for years. Cookie's detached retinas should have been diagnosed much earlier as it frequently caused his pupils to violently rotate round and round on the set. Never the less, Cookie finally received proper treatment in a New York veteran's hospital (Cookie is a veteran, having served in a stateside army kitchen during the Vietnam conflict). Cookie's metabolic imbalance and hormonal deficiency (which is blamed for his uncontrollable appetite) has been addressed through a rigid regimen of therapeutic drugs following surgery to remove a goiter in his hypothalamus. Cookie was making a comeback to the limelight with a renewed involvement in an obscure orthodox church based on the defunct "PTL Ministry" of the once infamous Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. Unfortunately, he was recently ejected from the church after several episodes of misconduct whereby Cookie would run to the altar in the middle of a services and grab the chalice screaming, "COOKEEEEEE!" He would proceed to dump the chalice into his mouth scattering half-chewed hosts all over the congregation.

Big Bird:
Big Bird was briefly arrested in a raid on an illegal overnight porn / prostitution theater in the Bronx in the winter of 2000. He proclaimed his innocence by stating "I don't think we're on Sesame Street anymore." Long known for his heavy drinking, his breath was allegedly heavy with the scent of fermented bird seed that night. Witnesses stated he was interrupting a live sex act on stage by repeatedly asking theater patrons, "Have you seen Ernie?" Despite the fact that no charges were filed, Big Bird resigned from Sesame Street two months later- his reputation irreparably ruined by the speculations of paparazzi. He now lives a secluded life on a vast mayonnaise farm in rural Manitoba and undergoes gene replacement therapy in an effort to deal with his ongoing overactive thyroid.

Count VonCount:
The Count- long famous for counting everything- had severely dehydrated and exhausted himself in 1998 while attempting to count the atoms in his left hand. Tirelessly forgoing meals, drink and sleep for days in a row, he passed out in a delusional state after attaining exponential notation. The reclusive Count was rushed to the hospital where it was further determined he had sustained several bites from a rabid bat. It was at this time he began to seek psychiatric counseling to deal with his obsessive-compulsive disorder. In 2003 upon attempting to purchase an airline ticket to "Transylvania", the Transportation Security Administration placed the Count on the "No Fly" list and he was apparently under FBI and CIA scrutiny. A subsequent raid on his mansion by the ATF, FBI, TSA, INS, CIA, SSA, UPS and the Boy Scouts was conducted. A device resembling a theater organ was seized- apparently a weapon of mass destruction. Currently the Count is detained at Camp X-Ray awaiting trial.

Ernie:
Having survived the many rumors of his gay relationship with his long-standing live-in friend Bert, Ernie left Sesame Street late in 1999 to work for a firm in Hoboken, NJ which manufactures dance floor sawdust. Thrice divorced, he never strays far from his extensive security detail stating, "I value my (expletive deleted) privacy. That damn bird continues to go on those (expletive deleted) journeys to find me to this very (expletive deleted) day." Ernie has been active in the NRA and is said to be a close friend of actor Robert Blake. Ernie recently made news with his fundraising efforts to erect a statue in Washington D.C. curiously dedicated to Wroclaw Staniskowski, an obscure 19th century Polish diplomat.

Snuffleupagus:
Porn star popular in the Netherlands.

Grover:
The lovable traveling monster was written off Sesame Street in the winter of 2001 after his untimely death (the show wrote him off in a "Super Grover" episode involving an accident whereby he crash landed into a high voltage substation). While his actual death was technically ruled a pedestrian accident (he was hit by a commuter train in October 2001), speculation abounds that Grover's demise was actually a suicide. These rumors were fueled after Grover's years of anti-depressant medication use came to light. The drugs ostensibly were used to deal with his wide mood swings. Rumored to be manic-depressive for years, Grover subsidized his many chronic globe-trotting vacations through heavy investments in the stocks of his long standing friend, Martha Stewart as well as Enron stock options.

Oscar the Grouch:
Arrested on a public indecency charge in 1998, he claimed he only solicited the undercover policewoman prostitute "to talk trash". The event was quietly dismissed on a technicality and Oscar continued on Sesame Street until an online porn sting netted him in 2001 for peddling online garbage. While extensive use of rotten attorneys got him out of the can on reduced charges, Oscar left the Sesame Street set that same year and is said to be working with long-standing friends, Larry Flynt and Pee Wee Herman star Paul Reuben on a children's movie supposedly titled, "You're Screwed Up and That's Ok".
It's no wonder why Frank turned out to be such a fucked up individual. His parents did LSD before he was born and after he was born, he watched Sodomy Street every day.

i had to take several breaks to avoid collapsing a lung

[Ganon]

donut I hope you were joking on all those points...

[rossmum]

ingame right now so fuck cropping this down

butts: raaiiiiiin in the valley
butts: ross!!
butts: god
ross: hey
butts: hello
butts: what time is it there
ross: ~arma 2~
ross: 1:24am
butts: my neck hurts helap
ross: cod2 smoke
ross: holy fuck
butts: it owns
butts: volumetric smoke owns
butts: every game should use volumetric smoke
ross: everyone just stops firing and starts beating the shit out of each other
butts: basically
butts: the only other game i know of that has volumetric smoke is clear sky
butts: and clear sky also owns!! coincedence???? i think not
ross: iirc the source engine has it but it's not utilised often if at all
butts: the source engine smoke is pretty poor
ross: more for dust than actual smoke
ross: but i could be wrong
ross: and probably am
butts: ive literally never seen dust in any source game
ross: i wonder if vma has open slots~~~
ross: i have
ross: but i notice the obscure stuff like that
butts: then again im blind
ross: lol
butts: if i sit more than 3 feet away from my monitor i cant see it
butts: for the blurry mess before me is no longer a monitor
ross: noooo vma is empty
butts: owned
butts: australian owned
ross: aef public arma2
butts: give me a minute god!! what are you my mom or something
ross: yes
ross: i was going to wait until you were 18 to tell you
butts: wa wa we wa
ross: i'm sorry
ross: it was for the best
butts: owned my mom doesnt call me -omitted-
butts: check yoself before you wreck yoself
ross: ouch
ross: welp arma 2 still has horrible netcode lol
butts: expecting bohemia to fix their game is like expecting the sun to fly down to earth and become the next president
ross: lmao
butts: speaking of well made games ofp2 looks ownage they showed a new trailer w/ tons of gameplay in hardcore mode that literally takes away everything except your map so you have no hud etc
butts: you only have your guns and stuff and a map
butts: it looks really good
butts: the graphics are really good
butts: and the sound design is fantastic
ross: sweet
ross: hurry up and join
ross: ~~~
butts: never

[DEElekgolo]

br0kenrabbit says:
hi

Greg_ValveOLS says:
good evening

br0kenrabbit says:
What's ip?

br0kenrabbit says:
up?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
my name is greg a member of the valve online Support team

br0kenrabbit says:
On MSN?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
yes

br0kenrabbit says:
Why?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
we logged multiple ips from your account and ned to verifi your information

br0kenrabbit says:
My information?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
we believe someone may have stolen your account mmmm you havent shared youre account infomation with anyone have you?

br0kenrabbit says:
No. I don't even have it written down.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
hmmm maybe a keylogger on you r PC then maybe you need a format?

br0kenrabbit says:
Well...

Greg_ValveOLS says:
if you can verify your account information to me i can insure that only your ip have access to it Its a new security feature were trying because this happens so muchlogin names and passwords aint safe anymroe You know. L

br0kenrabbit says:
Well

Greg_ValveOLS says:
dont worry this connect it secure

br0kenrabbit says:
Can I be honest with you, Greg?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

br0kenrabbit says:
Look, I don't know how you go this MSN account name, don't really care, either.

br0kenrabbit says:
Unlike you, I DO work for Valve. Trace my ip and you'll see.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
huh?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
bs

br0kenrabbit says:
Trace it.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
how

br0kenrabbit says:
Start/run/cmd type Tracert and then my IP address and hit enter.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
oh k

br0kenrabbit says:
As an employee, I know that Valve employees will NEVER contact users over MSN. I also know a valve employee will NEVER ask a user for his/her username and password.

br0kenrabbit says:
I'm putting a temporary hold on your Steam account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why?

br0kenrabbit says:
Have you read the ToS?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
Tod?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
tos

br0kenrabbit says:
terms of service

Greg_ValveOLS says:
were?

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg, this is a serious infraction against the Tos. You are at risk of losing your account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why

br0kenrabbit says:
I just told you why

Greg_ValveOLS says:


br0kenrabbit says:
I need some information from you if you want me to unlock you account. I'm going to write you up but I will only suspend you account for three days, since this is your first infraction, okay?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

br0kenrabbit says:
First, what is the name the account is registered to. Not the user name, the persons real name who created the account. This is for verification purposes.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxx xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Is this you?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Are you the only user of this account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay, and what is the username

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay.

br0kenrabbit says:
I see you have purchased a few of our games, thank you.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
some. dude

Greg_ValveOLS says:
m

br0kenrabbit says:
Do you always log on from the same IP?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
And who is your internet providers, your ISP?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Thank you. One moment, please, let me verify this information.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
am i gonna be bale to play 2nite?

br0kenrabbit says:
What is your city of residence?

br0kenrabbit says:
That depends on if you cooperate. You're doing fine so far.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Illinios?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
yes

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. And what is the password associated with this account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. Do not try to log into steam. If you are connected now you need to log off.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why

br0kenrabbit says:
So I can update your account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
can I play 2 nite

Greg_ValveOLS says:
clan fight

Greg_ValveOLS says:
wont win without me heh

br0kenrabbit says:
Heh. You'll have to wait a few minutes. Are you logged off?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. Give me just a moment.

br0kenrabbit says:
Try to log in now.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

Greg_ValveOLS says:
It says login failed wtf wtf!!@?

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
did u ban me???????????>WHY

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what

br0kenrabbit says:
Valve will never ask for your username and password.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what????

br0kenrabbit says:
I don't work for Valve dude, but you just got pwnt.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
omg dude wtf why?

br0kenrabbit says:
Why were you trying to steal my account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
i wanst

br0kenrabbit says:
Then why were you asking for my information?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
i was just making a joke but not cerious honest dude just give
my acount back pllllleeease i'm only 13 and save d up for like a year to buy it

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
dude pleas

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what

br0kenrabbit says:
Go mow some yards, bitch.

So pro

[klange]

(08:18:02 PM) Rob Oplawar: totally missing the point of the exercise
(08:18:36 PM) Kevin Lange: No, I exploited the rules.
(08:18:48 PM) Rob Oplawar: yeah, it's not about exploiting the rules, dude
(08:18:50 PM) Kevin Lange: I still think "touch quine.py && python quine.py" is the best.
(08:18:56 PM) Rob Oplawar: it's about exploiting the language
(08:19:02 PM) Kevin Lange: I exploited your mother.
(08:19:08 PM) Rob Oplawar: :<

I exploited his mother.

[English Mobster]

So pro

Pretty old, but still funny.
I believe he did give the guy back his account after 3 weeks or so, then reported him to Valve, resulting in him getting perma'd by a REAL Valve employee.

[Alwin Roth]

alwinroth: Did you see that ninja assassin trailer? it's so bad-ass
Censoredname: yeah, it's pretty old dude...
alwinroth: err... just came out about an hour ago..
Censoredname has logged off.

Fucking idiots -_-
This was in a clan chat during Runescape... yes... I play that game...

[FRain]

[11:54:05] FlamingRain has a working comp!: i like animating on one screen
[11:54:09] FlamingRain has a working comp!: and IMing on the other
[11:54:15] Pyong: or texturing on another :P
[11:54:17] FlamingRain has a working comp!: lol
[11:54:20] FlamingRain has a working comp!: that works too
[11:54:22] Pyong: :P
[11:54:26] FlamingRain has a working comp!: have photoshop on one screen
[11:54:28] FlamingRain has a working comp!: model on the other
[11:54:53] Pyong: or pron
[11:55:05] Pyong: lol
[11:55:09] FlamingRain has a working comp!: yeah
[11:55:10] FlamingRain has a working comp!: lol
[11:55:10] FlamingRain has a working comp!: or
[11:55:14] FlamingRain has a working comp!: model on one side
[11:55:19] FlamingRain has a working comp!: unwrapping on the other
[11:55:26] Pyong: boob references on one screen
[11:55:29] Pyong: modeling on the other
[11:55:32] Pyong: lol
[11:56:28] FlamingRain has a working comp!: lmfao
[11:56:33] FlamingRain has a working comp!: quotes thread'd

[FRain]

Double postin keepin this thread alive

[22:22:17] Zetsuei540: wow
[22:22:19] Zetsuei540: that was awful
[22:22:23] FlaminGrain231: lol
[22:22:25] Zetsuei540: and im going to describe it to you
[22:22:27] FlaminGrain231: haha
[22:22:34] Zetsuei540: possibly the worst diarhea ive ever had
[22:22:36] FlaminGrain231: describe it to my mic
[22:22:41] Zetsuei540: i felt like i was going to puke the whole time
[22:22:46] Zetsuei540: it just keep getting runnier
[22:22:48] Zetsuei540: and runnier
[22:22:53] Zetsuei540: until liquid was coming out of my ass
[22:22:57] FlaminGrain231: LMAO
[22:22:59] FlaminGrain231: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA
[22:23:03] Zetsuei540: what the fuck did i eat
[22:23:15] FlaminGrain231: you turned into a girl
[22:23:17] Zetsuei540: i hope you never have to experience that
[22:23:21] Zetsuei540: or anyone for that matter
[22:23:28] Zetsuei540: oh no, it was brown liquid
[22:23:32] FlaminGrain231: heh
[22:23:32] Zetsuei540: kinda like muddy water
[22:23:34] FlaminGrain231: lmao
[22:23:38] FlaminGrain231: quotes thread'd

[Bodzilla]

thats not particularly funny :/

more wit people!
c'mon!