You seem to have a tendency to use some pretty awkward expressions. For example...Originally Posted by sdavis117
Me. Just sitting here, barely able to not pass out after the beating I have just endured
The line "...barely able to not pass out after the beating..." makes sense, but it isn't worded very well - "...barely conscious after the beating..." is more succinct, and sounds a lot nicer. Also, "...I have just endured" doesn't make sense. The word "have" ought to be replaced with the word "had" so the tense remains the same. In addition to this, "here" should actually be "there", as the first few lines of your story indicate that it is written in past tense.
The tense wavers a lot throughout your story. You need to pick one (I'd suggest past tense, it seems to make things a bit less awkward) and stick with it.
You've made a good start though, so stick with it
PS. Sel, your drawings look really nice!
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