[GALLERY] TeeKup's Literature

[TeeKup]

I'll be using this thread for my writings here on out. I have a prologue available of my new story. I'd appreciate some criticism on it.

From the Diary of Xahrra K'Taurn

The sky, all I remember is how the sky looked. For four hours, all I saw were covenant ships being butchered and massacred by volley after volley of particle beams, which made it hard to believe that for the passed few years they were annihilating the Humans without a drop of sweat.

No longer.

They didn’t believe us; they didn’t believe that we had returned. For over 100,000 years we sat in self-imposed exile of the galaxy, waiting until it needed us again. When we returned, we found a massive conglomerate that claimed to have worshiped us.

Worship?

They see genocide of our descendants and abuse of our technology worship? The Emperor; my father was outraged, he used negotiations at first calmly but sternly demanding for the disbanding and disarming of this so called Covenant. They refused, obviously, mistaking us for Humans and attempting to attack one of our new colonies; if only they knew better.

My father knew this planet, it is a planet of life; bountiful with forests and rivers. It was one of the few planets we were able to hide from the Flood. He was only a child when his father found it. They were so surprised to have discovered this planet, as it was in a barren area of the galaxy. A diamond in the rough if you will.

We call this planet…….Avalon.

[ExAm]

Proofread and edited for grammatical clarity, yo

From the Diary of Xahrra K'Taurn <---- lol katarn

The sky. All I remember is how the sky looked. For four hours, all I saw were covenant ships, butchered, massacred by volley after volley of particle beam fire. This, in particular, made it hard to believe that for the past few years, they had expended little effort in annihilating the Humans' forces.

No longer.

They said they didn’t believe us when we informed them of our return. They couldn't concieve of it. For over 100,000 years we sat in self-imposed exile from the galaxy, waiting until we were needed again. Upon our return, we discovered a massive conglomerate, which claimed to worship us.

Worship?

They see the genocide of our descendants and the abuse of our technology as worship? The Emperor, my father, was outraged. At first, he negotiated, calmly but sternly demanding for the disbandment and disarmament of this so-called "Covenant". They refused, mistaking us for the Human "vermin" upon which they had waged war for so long, attempting to attack one of our new colonies. If only they had known better.

My father knew this planet, a planet of life; bountiful, with forests and rivers, and it was one of the few worlds whose existence we were able to hide from the Flood. He was only a child when his father discovered it. The team was surprised to have found this planet, as it was located in a characteristically empty and barren area of the galaxy. A diamond in the rough, if you will.

They called it... Avalon. <----Never use more than three points in an ellipsis.

[TeeKup]

I refuse to change his name. >_>

[Pooky]

:awesome:

[TeeKup]

NO.

Don't even Andrew. >______>

[SnaFuBAR]

who's that, obi-wan ka shoot-you-in-the-face kinobi?

[TeeKup]

From the Diary of Xahrra K’Taurn

June 3, 2562

Yesterday morning the shoreline was a crisp paradise. I would watch the waves lap against the beach as murloch crabs skirted across the sand. We cherish our creations and our sanctuaries above all else, if this Covenant truly worshiped us then they would know that. It’s a shame they do not recognize us as Forerunner, my father might have spared them even after the genocide they have committed.

The attack came in the afternoon; Xahnna and I were having lunch in the courtyard when we saw plasma torpedo’s rain from the sky. We didn’t run because we didn’t need to. They bounced off the planet wide Distortion Field and back into space.

It was odd, as there was a long pause before the Anti-Orbital Positron Cannons fired; their crimson lances craving a swath through the Covenant fleet. Five Battle Cruisers and one Assault Carrier were immediately destroyed.

I guess we startled them, as their fleet began to scatter. By the time we got to our carrier, the Harbinger, my father asked us and the Contender to launch. The Contender was a small carrier, she only held four A.E.G.I.S. units compared to our eight; she was powerful though.

Grammar/Spelling/Criticism/Suggestions. You know the drill. :P

[thehoodedsmack]

From the Diary of Xahrra K’Taurn

June 3, 2562

Yesterday morning the shoreline was a crisp paradise. I would watched the waves lap against the beach as murloch crabs skirted across the sand. We cherish our creations and our sanctuaries above all else. If this Covenant truly worshiped us then they would know that. It’s a shame they do not recognize us as Forerunner; my father might have spared them even after the genocide they have had committed.

The attack came in the afternoon; Xahnna and I were having lunch eating in the courtyard when we saw plasma torpedo’s rain from the sky. We didn’t run. because We didn’t need to. They bounced off the planet-wide distortion field and back into space.

It was odd, as there was a long pause before the Anti-Orbital Positron Cannons fired; their crimson lances craving a swath through the Covenant fleet. Five Battle Cruisers and one Assault Carrier were immediately destroyed.

I guess we startled them, as their fleet began to scatter. By the time we got to our carrier, the Harbinger, my father asked us and the Contender to launch. The Contender was a small carrier, she only held four A.E.G.I.S. unites (units?) compared to our eight; she was powerful, though.

Notes:

- Forerunners should not have lunch. Humans have lunch, and it degrades the mystique and reverence of the Forerunner to use such a common term with them.

- I broke up the "We didn't run" sentence, because it sounds a little more badass this way.

- I changed the "Distortion Field" to all lower case, and was tempted to change the "Anti-Orbital yadd-yadda" and other stuff as well, because I don't think names of technologies need to be proper nouns... your call, though.

- "She was powerful, though" isn't a really great way to end it. I can't think of anything to substitute right now, but I'd suggest revising it.

Hope it helps!

[TeeKup]

Excellent!

From the Diary of Xahrra K’Taurn

June 3, 2562

Yesterday morning the shoreline was a crisp paradise. I watched the waves lap against the beach as murloch crabs skirted across the sand. We cherish our creations and our sanctuaries above all else. If this Covenant truly worshiped us then they would know that. It’s a shame they do not recognize us as Forerunner; my father might have spared them even after the genocide they had committed.

The attack came in the afternoon; Xahnna and I were eating in the courtyard when we saw plasma torpedoes rain from the sky. We didn't run. We didn't need to. They bounced off the planet wide distortion field and back into space.

It was odd, as there was a long pause before the Anti-Orbital Positron Cannons fired; their crimson lances craving a swath through the Covenant fleet. Five Battle Cruisers and one Assault Carrier were immediately destroyed.

I guess we startled them, as their fleet began to scatter. By the time we got to our carrier, the Harbinger, my father asked us and the Contender to launch. The Contender was a small carrier, she only held four A.E.G.I.S. units compared to our eight; she was powerful, though.

[Pooky]

who's that, obi-wan ka shoot-you-in-the-face kinobi?

Kyle Katarn, gosh. l2retro